That time Ellen ordered Pizza at the Oscars.
"your crush is coming in this way"
" what should i do?????"
when i was 12 i made a deal with my dad that if i didn’t date until i was 16 he’d owe me $100 AND I FUCKING REMEMBERED THE OTHER DAY AND MY DAD SAID IT WAS "RIDICULOUS ENOUGH TO BE TRUE" HE’S ACTUALLY GONNA GIVE ME $100
so my dad come home today and was like “katie i did it i got your money”
he gave me 100 one dollar bills
my dad gave me 100 one dollar bills
i can pretend to be a super star
i am a queen
i made it rain on my mom
i need to get something off my chest it’s my shirt let’s have a sex
stop thinking about it
You know what the Green Heron is basically the best heron because it is like 90% neck so when it is all folded down it looks like a giant head with wings and legs
but then suddenly ZOOP
fucking green herrons
Louis C.K. talks about President Richard Nixon’s resignation.
my brother fucking sent me this picture and said “remember… who you are…”
- Intimacy. Hold my waist. Stroke my neck. Kiss my forehead. Hold my hand.
- Maturity. Patience is amazing. A prize will come to you when the time is right. Its called falling in love. Waiting is hard. But worth it.
- Honesty. I don’t care what you’ve done. I care about what you will do in the future. Be honest with me, I’ll be honest with you.
- Care. Because not many people give a crap about anything anymore.